con·fi·dence

One of the comments I found on an old (Xanga) post from a high school acquantance was "How do you always seem to have so much confidence?" I remember thinking about that statement when she wrote it but have not stopped thinking about it this time around after re-reading it.

She's right. I do have an insane amount of confidence and my thinking about her question has started to make me ask even more questions about my spunk. Why am I so confident or why am I so good at giving off the appearance that I am? Where did it come from or from whom did it come from? I'm not always confident, there are plenty of things out there that terrify me. My mom says that from an early age I learned how to handle situations better than other kids and I was always a step ahead. I watched, I learned and then I went for it. She agrees that there were certain things I never was good at but that for the most part, I was more confident than not. I have, from a very early age, liked being a leader. I think I got these characteristics from her (my mom) even though she would argue with me about this subject. She's said many times before that I amaze her with my drive and even one time I believe she used the words "I can't believe you had the kahonas (her more pleasant word for balls) to say that!" I think I learned to be this way from her, but maybe I've just stepped it up a notch or perfected it. The first story that pops into my head about my mother's confidence (and there are many more, but this is my favorite) was one that involved saving my brother.

For as many times as my mom actually tried to kill my brother (and I'm not speaking metephorically or symbolically here, she really did have a couple of close calls) this time, she saved him. We were at my great-uncle Billy's farm in California and my brother had gotten into the goat pin (where Billy told him he would be fine) and this goat went balistic. He was not having this ten year old boy interupting his afternoon and went to check him out and got Keith backed into a corner between the barn and another shed. My brother started to get a little scared because the goat wouldn't let him move and then his slight fear turned into shear panic and the goat knew it. He started charging Keith with everything he had and my mom hoped over that fence, ran straight at the goat, grabbed it by the horns and yelled at it like it was one of her children. The goat started getting upset that my mom had it by its horns but she refused to let it go until Keith ran past her and climbed over the fence. Maternal instinct to protect her child? Yes, bit it was more than that for me. At that age, I knew my mom would take care of us but the maternal thing hadn't really resonated with me yet. All I saw was how brave and confident she was and I learned from it.

I think that over the years I've become more confident with every passing accomplishment. I was so terrified during my first interior design presentation my freshman year, but leaving that presentation with an A and all the compliments someone could receive, I now rock at presentations. It took a lot of practice and I have gotten better each time I do one, but they don't scare me anymore. I know my stuff and I am not afraid of my client (no matter who they are). I love being told that I am good at things. And everytime I am told that I am good at something, I add a little bar to my confidence level.

I've been told I even walk forceful. Not heavy, not stomping, but foreceful, purposeful. I like that I walk like that. It means I am going somewhere to do something with a purpose. I am ok with being sure of myself and of what I am, what I do and where I am going in life. I like that people see how confident I am. I want to make a noise in this world and I want people to miss it when it isnt there.

I could propably write another 15 paragraphs on this topic but I'll end on this one. I graduated with 400+ students from high school and I was not the valedictorian and I was not in the top ten and that was not my place to shine. I graduated with 200+ students from college and again, not the valedictorian or top ten. My place to shine is every day life. Not those big milestone events, I just make it to those and get through them like everyone else. But the way I feel everyday and the places I plan to end at, those are my moments to shine and I plan to.