dealing with all of it - the good and the bad

It has been a day of ups and downs here in my little home. Self awareness and discovery today have taken me from crying in the shower to rejoicing to God while I was running in my neighborhood (also with some tears).

If there is one thing that I seem to be consistent at - it is owning my life. I'm not much for regrets knowing that everything that has happened in my life has made me who I am today and will make me who I am tomorrow. How can you be regretful of things that shape you, even the bad things, when you have a good life?

I tend to forget, often, that I have a good life. I forgot last night and this morning that I have good life.

I was an emotional ball of stress last night and after talking to Paul and a good friend on the phone, I took some Nyquil and went to bed. I slept hard and it was fantastic. But sleeping hard (and with the help of medication) does not make you any less of an emotional basket case sometimes. I woke up just as big of a mess as I was when I went to bed. Almost worse.

I cried a little. I watched some TV and then I cried some more. I talked to Paul who was busy preparing for an important presentation at his alma mater and I knew I was being an emotional drain on him. He was nervous and finishing his preparations and all I could talk about was how I wanted him to come home because I needed a hug. I wished him luck and cried alone some more.

I finally had enough and called my mom. I love my mom and I love talking to her but I always try so hard to be better than I am for her. I don't know why, because she always takes me just as I am and helps me to see things more clearly. I have an amazing mother. We talked for awhile, she gave me some advice and I felt some relief.

Her first piece of advice? Exercise. SICK. I have never in my life felt good after working out. That whole endorphin thing has never worked for me. I just get pissed off when I work out and it makes me hate the whole idea of getting healthy through physical activity. I've always had good intentions with running and sports but after a few bad sessions, I am hateful enough towards it to stop. But today, after I hung up the phone, I grabbed my tennis shoes and my music and went for a run. It was unbelievable how good I felt. I couldn't think about any one thing for more than a few minutes and I remembered why running track in high school worked for me so well. The ability to stop thinking about any one thing and to not be able to focus can be such a relief sometimes. It was today while I was running (and the endorphins were doing what they were supposed to do) that I decided I am good at owning who I am, what I've done and where I want to go.

A big struggle for me right now? I have PCOS. When my doctor and I discovered that I had this, she immediately started me on some medication, talked to me about life changes and what future effects I could expect from having the PCOS. I got online the night we found out I had it and spent hours researching what it meant for me. One of the biggest things people deal with when they have PCOS is depression (brought on by the stress of the symptoms). I knew the symptoms I was having and the others I was reading about sucked but they were not a big enough deal for me to get depressed over. I wasn't depressed and didn't plan to be. But here we are, I'm a bit depressed. So, I have PCOS and I've decided that dealing with it right now sucks.

I also feel like Satan is trying so hard (more than ever) to drag me down in so many areas of my life. He knows I'm struggling and is tempting me and confusing me in ways I've never dealt with before. He's fighting my faith, my marriage, and my career. I'm 24 years old and feel like I need to have a mid-life crisis.

Back to my run for a moment. It was the most beautiful day to go outside for a run and in my neighborhood, it was just exemplified. I'm a bit biased here but I live in the best neighborhood in Oklahoma City hands down. I have a fabulous life. This was the part of the run where I was reminded of how good I have it.

I plan now to turn off the TV and go outside and read in the sunshine for a bit. I need to stop with the reflection of what I am dealing with and reflect on what I'm not dealing with.