quiet your mind

Last night at church after our class had finished bible hour a few of the girls were talking about worrying. One of them had had an awful night of sleep and had been up half of the night worrying about anything that crossed her mind. I felt awful for her because I've been there and more recently than I would like to admit.

I'm not typically a worrier, I'm uptight, but everyday life doesn't make me worry. Events, new places, things like that tend to make me worry but for the most part, I don't worry about "everything".

I went through a phase right after Paul and I got married where I worried all the time that he was going to die. I made sure I told him every single time he got in a car without me to drive safely. Well I didn't just tell him, I pleaded with him. Every day he went to work before I left for class, I begged him to be cautious all day long. I was terrified something would happen to him. I would call him in the middle of the day and make sure he was still breathing normally. It was a bit much. I don't know why I stopped worrying about it but it sort of went away on it's own. I still want him to be careful and I would still hate it if something happened but the incessant fear has subsided (and thankfully, for both of us I am sure).

What I tend to worry about is the future. And I know what you're going to say, isn't that what all worry is based on? And I would agree with you to a point. But some people worry about things that aren't necessarily even going to happen. For example, my fear that Paul was going to die wasn't based on anything substantial and although there is a chance that it could happen, there is no way of knowing that it will. People worry about things that never materialize like what would happen if...you fill in the blank. It's a waste of worry. All worry is a waste but those things that are so vague are exhausting and wasteful of energy.

I worry about actual events, actual meetings, deadlines, encounters. Things I know that are going to happen, they are on my calendar, they are coming and I have to think about them all the time, every single detail to make sure I know what is going to happen. I am CONSTANTLY thinking in the future. What I am going to do or say in the next five minutes is all that seems to occupy my brain.

We're talking, I'm sitting at my desk working and I am thinking about what I am going to do in the break room fifteen minutes from now sort of thing. While I'm in the break room, I am thinking about my 2:00 meeting and what I am going to do or say during it. And you better believe during that 2:00 meeting I am thinking about what I am going to cook for dinner and what time Paul is going to get home. I never live in the present.

My mom read a book years ago, yes a "self-help" book about this kind of thing. It encouraged her to take five to ten minutes every day and to think about nothing, absolutely nothing except for what is happening right at that very moment. You are not supposed to think about writing a grocery list, or anything about the grocery store at all. You are to sit in a quiet room or space and think about the quiet, think about the chair you are sitting on, think about the bird you hear outside, but don't let your mind go to anything other than what is happening at the present moment. It is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. After I do it, I feel better, I realize that living in the present is healthy and that although having a plan is effective and good too, it can be too exhausting.

I tend to only think about the "in the moment" technique when I am a little beyond the point where I think it can help, when I am panicking the night before a meeting or deadline. But you really should try to do it sometime. Five minutes is not hard to find but you will be shocked at how difficult it is to stay on the topic of only the right then. You'll be amazed at what your brain will wonder off too and how quickly you will relate things you need to do to the most simple sounds or thoughts.

I may try to make it a goal to do every day for awhile (at least over the next month when everything is going to be so hectic). I'll let you know how it goes, or I'll forget entirely and you'll just always have to wonder.